Special Report From The Coffee Wolf: Coffee Flavored Coffee

THE COFFEE WOLF GIVES IN, DRINKS ANCIENT DECAF.

Conditions got extreme today. The event that I had sworn would never come to pass occurred in an instance both more hideous and strangely justifiable than I ever could have thought possible; we had no alternative but to drink decaf... espresso!

To be fair, the coffee was Zoka's Decaf. Espresso Paladino. The spiffy brown paper facade on the one-way valved bag promised good things. In fact, the coffee is upon inspection fairly untampered in appearance. Visually the beans have that good oily quality I crave in the look of coffee beans, and more importantly they weren't burned. Their fragrance also speaks of a "real" coffee bean, and is pleasantly brisk if a little mild for an espresso blend. Its aroma seemed to have legitimate qualities, all speaking to the Zoka roasters general strengths .

However, the act of drinking this coffee was nonetheless inexcusable as the coffee was three months old. Furthermore, it was made using a Starbucks (tm) Barista coffee maker. This latter aspect though should probably be ignored, as much to the moderate shame of all involved parties, said device is employed with great frequency.

All that aside, the odd thing was that at first pass it was difficult to detect whether the coffee suffered more from its age or its decaffeinated state. In large part this was due to the fact that the front of the cup was surprisingly good. Sadly, its finish brought a much detested and recognizable flavor of the unnatural processes required to make this aberration. This particular flavor, which I deduced to be the mysterious "decaf note" was different than just that hollow bitter flavor that always comes to mind when one thinks decaf. On further speculation I began to think that this flavor might be a particular variant of the decaf note, as it had a quality that persisted through it's strangely bitter yet effervescent finish. I must grant that in general this coffee was far more full bodied than any other decaf. I've ever had the misfortune of drinking.

As to the particular flavor, there was some speculation that it might derive from the method utilized to create this so called miracle of modern science. Upon research one finds that there are four methods of decaffeinating the coffee bean. On one end of the liquid chemical spectrum we find the Ethyl Acetate solvent process, which doesn't even utilize any water. Next comes Methylene Chloride which is often marketed as "European Water Processed." The chemically least complex method utilizes good old H2O and is the patented Swiss Water process. It should be noted that this last process while possibly better for the environment, does not guarantee a better tasting coffee (industry insiders generally seem to favor Methylene Chloride processed beans.) In addition there is the "Supercritical" CO2 method which involves the use of super pressurized liquid carbon dioxide as a solvent. Personally I take the existence of this proliferation of designs as further evidence that nature's little miracle seed was never meant to be so tampered with by the hand of man.

In the end, while further investigation clearly remains to be done, I hope to avoid any future involvement with this matter whatsoever.

The Coffee Wolf, signing off for now.

(editor's note: it should be noted that upon completion of writing this article, the author immediately went for another shot of the decaf.)

The Coffee Wolf is a sometimes denizen of Los Angeles who has been known to purvey fine coffees and other excellent libations . . . Particularly wine and beer.